My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.