Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth