Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
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Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
What fresh Hell is this?!?