My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.