Every haunted house movie:
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I will never stop laughing at this
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine