Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.