The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.