[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
excuse me
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The first one, obviously
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Oh my god
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.