If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
That was easy.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.