[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Birds & Planes.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.