Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
me after drinking all the wine: