Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️