IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??