[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
You Might Also Like
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care