Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.