Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Finally, an explanation.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends