Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog