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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
mumsnet is amazing
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.