Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Labreador
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.