MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!