I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
You Might Also Like
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”