Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*gets down on one knee*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.