Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
You Might Also Like
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.