“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
bears
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
best first i’ve ever seen
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
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