A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏