[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom