I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?