Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
this article brought to you by lions
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.