📽️movie date🎞️
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Called it
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking