Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
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1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.