What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG