Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
You Might Also Like
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.