“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.