I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
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[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.