i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin