Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks