What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST