It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
This makes total sense…
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.