I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
*updates tinder bio*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.