Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I love wikipedia
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.