Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Hero horse inspires millions
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices