The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass