Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Just got to our Airbnb!
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
This a good idea
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder