The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin