what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Had an epiphany today.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.