(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My first son he is wonderful
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle