Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.