been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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based al yankovic
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
shampoo implies shampee
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
And now we wait