Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
What the hell happened here.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot