Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I missed you with all my darts
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
no their not
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
choose your gary
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life